The Human Experience
by angelofthepizzaman
Summary: "I wish I could help you." But he was just a human, a weak, fragile man, and he couldn't.


Dean returned from the hunt at half past four in the morning. Cas had been waiting, anxiously, the entire night; although his weak human body was begging him to fall limply on one of the motel beds and sleep, he didn't. Instead – and he told himself this was because he was worried about Dean, not because he still hated feeling this way, hated feeling cold and vulnerable and tired and hungry, and he didn't want to succumb to it – he sat perched facing the door. Sam was at a nearby library; against all of their wishes, Dean had decided to hunt on his own, and studying was how Sam kept himself from worrying.

The hunter was stumbling weakly when he returned, and still smelled of gunpowder and blood. Without a word, he settled on the edge of the bed, alongside Cas.

"Hello, Dean. Did it go well?"

Dean was tugging off his leather jacket; it had a tear in it now, bloody, as did the shirt beneath it, which he also removed. "Well, there's one less werewolf to be gankin' innocent people, so I would say so." He glanced at the clock. "Have you been up all night?"

"Yes, I – you're hurt."

"It happens." There was a gash, not deep but long, extending from Dean's shoulder to his forearm. Cas hadn't been acquianted with the human experience of pain very long, but the wound looked agonizing. "I'll be fine. You've got to sleep, Cas. I know you're not used to it, but you've got to be tired as hell."

Cas didn't respond. He passed his eyes again over the cut, and felt another pang of worthlessness. Something like this would have been effortless for him to heal only a few months before. Although Dean was trying to hide it, Cas could see how much it was hurting him. And, if he'd not been reduced to humanity, even killing the werewolf would have been nothing.

"Cas? Something wrong?"

"I wish I could help you." But he was just a human, a weak, fragile man, and he couldn't.

"It's not that bad." After a moment, he seemed to sense that this was about more than just a wound Cas was unable to heal. "Don't beat yourself up about this. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself."

"Why not? This is all my fault. Metatron, the angels – if I'd just been more careful, I could have stopped him. And now I can't even fix the mess I've made. I can't even heal you." He sighed. "I'm useless."

"No, Cas." Dean put a firm hand on Castiel's shoulder; Cas saw him wince at the movement, but said nothing. "You're not worthless. You mean everything to us, to me, you know that. I mean, I'd still be burning downstairs without you."

"But now, if you were to – I wouldn't be able to save you. I'm weak."

"You're _more_ than what you can do, Cas. Maybe you can't heal, or kill, with a touch, but you don't need to. You don't need to be superhuman to matter."

"I want to be. For you. I want to be enough, and being human just – isn't. I'm no use to you."

"Powers or not, you're enough, okay? You're good enough. It's not like you're some – some _thing _I want to fix me up when I'm hurt. I need you."

That made Castiel halt, self-deprecating retort already disappearing in his mind. Dean was only ever that open with people he truly loved – Cas had seen that firsthand – and for him, the word "need" carried the same weight as "love." Maybe, then, Cas really didn't need to feel so badly about this. After all, he'd really only made use of his powers to help Sam and Dean – and Dean still cared about him just as much. This would be an adjustment, a difficult one, but Cas could stomach it. He'd been through much worse; how bad could humanity really be, especially with Dean by his side?

"I need you, too, Dean." _I love you. _He kissed Dean, gingerly, then yawned. "I'm exhausted. I should sleep."

They ignored the second bed and crammed haphazardly into one. As Cas drifted asleep, he reveled in the the warmth the closeness brought him – the ability to share feel the heat of Dean's body next to him, listening to his rough breathing. Perhaps, amidst the tumult of emotion, hunger, and cold, there were some enjoyable things to being human – and this was one of the best.


End file.
